mdohm/Mattyd (mdohm) wrote,
mdohm/Mattyd
mdohm

I hate shopping

Psychological research, from what I understand, has mixed readings on what extent a personality changes after childhood. Some suggest that after age 11 little changes, for instance. What does that mean for me if I don't like who I am today?

I want to improve myself-- not very happy about my appearance or my person. It's rainy and wet outside again and it reminds me of college. Something about everyone around you intent on improving themselves puts a different kind of pressure on things. This is no status-quo job and escapist-hobby feeling that I am accustomed to. This is another point in life where I feel like I have to change things for the better.

I dislike most of the clothing I own but can't seem to do well in finding things I do like. The aggravation comes from my inability to judge what 'good' is-- I am unusually unsatisfied with my purchases shortly thereafter and have tendencies of a cheapskate. In a way this parallels my social interactions-- they happen with or without awkwardness but I only rarely have a good read on if things are really going well and feel like I have even less control on the direction they're going. I've always wanted to be charismatic; I like being outspoken and the center of attention. But I'm not.

These things -- my appearance, my social abilities -- are things I feel like I do not know how to put energy toward. How do you develop fashion sense or charisma? Where do you go for that? How do I improve these things in myself?

I worry that I am genetically bound to these things. I tend to keep things the same and not try new things. I can't find people I _really_ like with any regularity. I am moody and, some people think, abrasive for seemingly no reason. I have vices, albeit 'harmless' ones like video games. I don't like my hair.

I'm worried-- is this a pattern I can break? Am I just one more generation of bi-polar addict?

I do not want to be my father.
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